Control and Escape

Being out of control of my own situation is one of my greatest fears, or hates, or just something that makes me miserable and uncomfortable. I hate feeling like my plans are in someone else's hands. Often I'd rather do things by myself than with someone else, because then I am in control of what happens. For example, travelling. If someone offers me a ride somewhere, whether I will accept it depends on whether I feel like I will have input into when we leave, how long we stay, etc, or whether I will have to go along with that person's plans. If they want to do something I don't then do I have an escape? An alternative option? Or will I be forced to stay with that person? If I feel like I am likely to find myself in a situation I can't control, then I will find my own way. Or not go.

Right now, I am feeling completely out of control of my entire life situation. When I say that, I mean the fact that I am spending 14 hours a day working my ass off at school just to pass my course. And I can't see a viable escape path. There ARE escape paths, but there aren't any that have a high chance of landing me in a situation any better than this one. If I don't graduate this year, I will lose 100% of my sense of worth. If I don't graduate specifically with 1 X BMus and 1 X BAppSci (hons, 1st class), I will lose probably 90% of my sense of worth. Self esteem will be shattered. So I have to keep going, and do my best to do what I have to do just to keep myself from not completely hating myself on top of hating my life.

Of course, the end is in sight. In November this will all be over. I'm assuming I'll pass. I'm hoping I'll get my first class honours. And god, I'm scared of what comes next. I'm scared of not getting a job. I'm even more scared of getting a job that I hate. I can't even think of an Ideal Job. I can't think of something that I want to do for 40 hours a week that realistically someone would pay me to do. I don't have anything to hope for, or work towards. If I knew what I wanted then I could take steps to get there. But I don't. That's That.

There are also some other things I want to say.

1. Coal companies are bad
2. Neil Gaiman is great
3. Chocolate hot cross buns taste nothing like the real thing
4. It is fucked up that there are no hot cross buns in America
5. I wish it would be winter. I hate the sun
6. I prefer right/wrong to good/bad

I think I may write about 1, 2 and 6 in coming days. I think I will start writing in here semi-regularly again. I think I will also try to make future posts more positive. And prettier.