The Princess of Denial

Things I am in denial of:

1. Most of my inboxes. I have about a zillion of the damn things and they are all overflowing with denial. The only one that is safe is my hotmail because no one ever uses that anymore. Sometimes I just go and hide in there to pretend that no one ever contacts me.

2. My expanding gut. I will eat what I want, damnit. It's not like I have the time or the energy to attempt to conduct any sort of romantic affair anyway

3. The ever-increasing need to vacuum my bedroom floor

4. Uni in general. Aside from the emails, I mean. All the REST of it. Especially my dissertation. That is the most denially of all the denials.

5. The Folder Of Denial. There is actually a manila folder that contains all the physical documents that I would like to pretend do not exist. It is behind my curtains and there it shall stay.

6. Everything else that is behind my curtains. My room is built in a stupid way so that the built-in desk is in a bay window behind the curtains. Since I am never home during daylight hours, I very rarely remember to open my curtains. Except when I want to hang my togs out the window, which I never do anymore anyway because I am failing at exercising, ever (another point of denial). So that magical desk behind the curtains is a fantastic place for hiding things I would like to forget about.

7. 2012. WTF?

8. My dire financial situation. Let's just get drunk again.

9. The fact that I need to sleep more than 5 hours tonight

10. My duties as a member of this household to cook and clean and shit. I've cooked for the flat a grand total of one time since I moved in in January. We have a chore wheel but the only duty I ever do when it is my turn is take the rubbish out, because it is a tad obvious if you miss that one. The rest I seem to be getting away with

I think these all seem to converge to one main point of denial which is this:

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10: I really am just not coping with life at the moment.

Tomorrow morning Daddy is going to come and take me away to St Bathans (population 7).

I don't know if I should take some work with me with good intentions to catch up while we are there and then ignore it and feel bad.... or if I should just take the road of Total Denial and not bother to take anything at all and just relax for the first time since school started back.

Either way I'll have a fuckload to do while I get back. But will I feel guiltier while I'm away if I take shit with me and don't do it, or if I don't even try at all?

This is actually just a pretty picture blog

My Life According To The Endless

Death

I have a crush on her.

Sometimes I think I might want to call her.

But I don't.

Destiny

If I knew what was written in his book, maybe I'd call death.

Maybe I'd delete her number from my phone.

Either way I think I'm better off not knowing.

Dream

Some dreams are true.

Some aren't.

And some.. aren't true now but could come true.

I wish I knew which ones those were, so I could follow them.

Destruction

Sometimes self-destruction seems to be the only way to salvation.

You don't incur anyone's hatred but your own.

And sometimes... you just need to destroy something.

Desire

She's a nasty one.

Such a little tease.

She'll make you want something you never knew you wanted

just so she can pass you on to her twin:

Despair

My best friend.

My lover.

My everything.

Not a healthy relationship, really.

Delirium

Will probably be my rebound when even Despair leaves me.

My First Story

Okay. I will never be an author. I spent a grand total of two hours on this and I think it is shitty and cliched but I don't ever want to see it again and I am certainly not going to go back and edit it and make it better. There goes my writing career *sigh* Anyway, here is what is probably the first story I have voluntarily written since I was about six years old. In a few days I will probably come back and read it and cringe and delete it like I have done with several of my previous blog posts, heh. Meanwhile I am going to go write something that might actually, like, get me some credit at uni or some shit like that.

I said I'd delete it, didn't I? And I did :)

I went to a party

I went to an undies party. My friends were there and that was fine.

There were some boys next door having a normal clothes-on sort of party. We stood on the deck and everyone yelled at them and I stood there silently but they still picked me out and said they wanted me.

They came over and introduced themselves and touched me and asked me to dance and asked me to go upstairs but none of them talked to me and I felt sad and worthless.

Then when one did bother to talk to me I think I felt sadder and more worthless. He was genuinely concerned and quite distressed that I don't have any plans in life and I don't know where I'll be next year and I don't know where I want to be in 30 years. He's going to be a doctor. Medicine is a good degree to take, he says, because you can walk straight out of it into a career and you know where you're going. What on earth do you do with a degree in Energy Management? If he was me, he says, he wouldn't be able to sleep at night not knowing what awaits.

I'm really not sure what I think about this. I don't know whether I think he's boring or whether I envy him a little. I think maybe a bit of both. Mostly I don't know what I think of myself.

I'm calling this one Jeffrey. It seems like a good name for a blog post.

I suppose I'll write something, because if I don't do it now then I never will and I'll look back in a year and think, hey, I used to have a blog but then I didn't look after it and it died just like all the plants I've ever had. This will leave me with a feeling of failure and inability to commit to anything or to take on anything remotely resembling responsibility. In other words, if I don't write a blog post right now, my sense of self-worth will be irreparably shattered.

I think I'll try writing a story someday - not today though. Lately I've been living very much in world of fantasy thanks to Neil Gaiman. I think he is probably the cleverest person in the world. Living in stories is fantastic but I have very little real life to write about when all I ever do for fun is read books. And god knows no one wants to read about, and I certainly don't want to write about, what I do for not fun. Reading stories can make you feel so wonderful that I wonder what it would feel like to write them. I'm not sure where my imagination is, though. I know I used to have one. I used to concoct glorious tales when I was a wee baby and they forced us to write stories in school every morning. The protagonist was usually Tigger, who is the king of all my soft toys. He was often accompanied by his wife, Sealy. Clearly my imagination didn't stretch as far as the naming of my toys, but I swear it was there. They went to the end of the world and had to race against time and got blown out of volcanoes and then sometimes it was just household issues like when Sealy thought she was ironing Tigger's spare stripes but it was actually him and he ended up flat... and that horrible time that Tigger weed in Whaley's drinking pipe and Whaley died so Tigger had to go to toilet jail and everyone hated him. Poor Tigger. I also seem to remember something about a rainbow cat and a machine that ate teachers. I could do with both of those things right now.

I don't know why it never occurred to me to write something that doesn't rhyme before. I don't even like poetry an awful lot, and though I quite like the songs I write, I can't sing and I don't give them to anyone else so they just disappear into the void.

I'm rather glad I wrote this now. The thing is, it doesn't matter if not a single person reads it. All that matters is that I wrote it. I kind of hope no one ever reads it, because they might laugh at me and say that I have no imagination and suck at writing. I'd rather live in my safe protective bubble of fantasy, thank you very much.

Control and Escape

Being out of control of my own situation is one of my greatest fears, or hates, or just something that makes me miserable and uncomfortable. I hate feeling like my plans are in someone else's hands. Often I'd rather do things by myself than with someone else, because then I am in control of what happens. For example, travelling. If someone offers me a ride somewhere, whether I will accept it depends on whether I feel like I will have input into when we leave, how long we stay, etc, or whether I will have to go along with that person's plans. If they want to do something I don't then do I have an escape? An alternative option? Or will I be forced to stay with that person? If I feel like I am likely to find myself in a situation I can't control, then I will find my own way. Or not go.

Right now, I am feeling completely out of control of my entire life situation. When I say that, I mean the fact that I am spending 14 hours a day working my ass off at school just to pass my course. And I can't see a viable escape path. There ARE escape paths, but there aren't any that have a high chance of landing me in a situation any better than this one. If I don't graduate this year, I will lose 100% of my sense of worth. If I don't graduate specifically with 1 X BMus and 1 X BAppSci (hons, 1st class), I will lose probably 90% of my sense of worth. Self esteem will be shattered. So I have to keep going, and do my best to do what I have to do just to keep myself from not completely hating myself on top of hating my life.

Of course, the end is in sight. In November this will all be over. I'm assuming I'll pass. I'm hoping I'll get my first class honours. And god, I'm scared of what comes next. I'm scared of not getting a job. I'm even more scared of getting a job that I hate. I can't even think of an Ideal Job. I can't think of something that I want to do for 40 hours a week that realistically someone would pay me to do. I don't have anything to hope for, or work towards. If I knew what I wanted then I could take steps to get there. But I don't. That's That.

There are also some other things I want to say.

1. Coal companies are bad
2. Neil Gaiman is great
3. Chocolate hot cross buns taste nothing like the real thing
4. It is fucked up that there are no hot cross buns in America
5. I wish it would be winter. I hate the sun
6. I prefer right/wrong to good/bad

I think I may write about 1, 2 and 6 in coming days. I think I will start writing in here semi-regularly again. I think I will also try to make future posts more positive. And prettier.