Don't Forget I Don't Need Anyone

I am having extreme difficulty balancing Being Nice To Others with Looking After Myself.


I don't know whether I like myself very much anymore. I mean, mostly I think I'm pretty fucking rad. But I am also very selfish. I think this is the only way to survive though as when it comes down to it everyone else is selfish too. Or most of them. At least everyone that my selfishness affects is, I think.


I'm not sure whether I love myself or hate myself, I'm not sure whether I love everyone and the world and humanity or hate them.


When I start looking at myself in a negative light, I know that something needs to change but I don't know whether that is my behaviour or my perception of myself. Because I don't know if I'm just normal or exceptionally nice or exceptionally selfish. I really don't know where I fit in on the Selfishness Continuum.


My online dating social experiment is destroying my faith in humanity but I think it is good to be informed. Though about 2 of the 200ish people who have messaged me have seemed to be capable of stringing more than three words together - and at that, words that are about something other than sex, or relationships, or being bored.


People keep apologising to me all the time and I keep feeling bad about being mean to them or bitching about them when they then go and be all sorry and stuff but I think maybe this is wrong of me because they are the ones who did the thing to be sorry about in the first place.


I am beginning to see the point of monogamous relationships, I think. It's like.. in the world, generally everyone only thinks about themselves, right? And then when you get into a relationship it's all like "I'll also think about you if you also think about me." And it's nice to have someone who will make your feelings almost as important to them as their own are. It's even better to have someone who will make your feelings more important than theirs, I guess? I don't think I would feel comfortable with that though. It kinda imposes a responsibility on you to then look out for that person and make sure they don't do dumb things for you and then resent you and.. augh. I think too much. Why can't I just relate to others like normal people do?