Here We Are Again

And here I find myself at the end of another year. How the time has flown by! And my, how my circumstances have improved since this time last year.

Me on NYE last year: Too fucking sick, mentally and physically, to celebrate, and in an unhappy relationship. This relationship ended a few days into 2010 and since then things have only gone uphill. Well there were a few bumps.... but it's been a good year.

I remember sending him an mp3 of AFP's "Another Year." meaning that I might consider getting back with him in another year when I had, you know, sorted myself out and shit.

FUCK THAT.

Everything is so good now.

So. I have three goals for 2011.

1. Graduate twice. Get first class honours.
2. Lose 15 kg
3. Find something to do in 2012 that is either Not Studying or Not In New Zealand and preferably both.

And my New Years Resolution should help me achieve all of these goals. It's the same as it always is, of course:

Be Good At Life

Here's to Life. Chairs mate eigh. Bring on 2011 baby!

Junkie

This is what I do when I am meant to be working.

I see an expression I like and get the wrong sorts of ideas, i.e. ones that rhyme but aren't actually useful for my project. (I also spend far too much time playing with the magnetic poetry on the fridge...)

This one was "oil addiction."

I'm trippin' again
Feel that rush in my veins
I'm addicted

But I don't wanna be high
No I don't wanna fly
So conflicted

My behaviour gives me cause for reflectin
I try to stick to green, all that other shit I'm rejectin
Even when I say I'm clean I know you're suspectin
And you're right, coz I never stopped injectin

Money into the economy
A fix will never come for free
Capitalist society
Bring your cash and follow me

I always want just one more hit
Pay for it with cash, eftpos or credit
I'll sell my body to fuel my fuel habit
Anything you want baby you can have it

When I say I need junk I don't mean drugs
I mean clothes and toys and gadgets and mugs
I'm on a speed high then I'm in my car
Feeling that rush as I drive so fucking fast

Just How I Have Been Feeling Lately

My life is so full of eternal fail and there are so many things that are not quite right or are in fact completely wrong.

I am resentful of so many things and I think that society is stupid and we are doomed and ra ra ra ra you get the gist.

And yet I can't help but be absolutely delighted with every moment.

I am filled with this strange happiness that nothing can ruin.

Has someone been slipping drugs into the drinking water?????

Victoria

I wrote a song last night. Here is how it goes.

if you're really that keen to be dead

then take a bullet to your stupid head

if you're kind you'll shoot your children too

to save them suffering because of you

you're homical suicidal

so sadistic masochistic

it's our fate that you dictate

please save us before it's too late

you've always got all the latest things

living the lifestyle of a king

but that shit won't help you at last call

the higher you are the further you'll fall

you're so high in the society

egotistic not holistic

deaf and dumb and blind and numb

you're living in an oil drum

you've got that smug look upon your face

as you kill the whole damn human race

making orphans everywhere you go

mass murder from the comfort of your home

you're homical suicidal

so sadistic masochistic

it's our fate that you dictate

please save us before it's too late

you're so high in the society

egotistic not holistic

deaf and dumb and blind and numb

you're living in an oil drum

with all the torture you've caused worldwide

i understand your grounds for suicide

but why'd you have to take me down as well?

you selfish bitch, i hope you go to hell

you're homical suicidal

so sadistic masochistic

it's our fate that you dictate

please save us before it's too late

you're so high in the society

egotistic not holistic

deaf and dumb and blind and numb

you're drowning in an oil drum

we're drowning in an oil drum

we're drowning in an oil drum

look at what we've become

how could we be so dumb

we're drowning in an oil drum....

And in case anyone wants to know who Victoria is, she appears in this video from about 7:30 onwards:

come on, fuck the world

I fully intended to make this actually good one day, but it is common knowledge that I never finish anything I start and so I might as well put it up here before I actually forget about it forever and it gets lost into the void of my hard drive. This is a "fuck you, world" thing.

P.S. I haven't actually slept with or eaten out anyone's mum. But I will. You just wait.

(while writing the above I just remembered the existence of this song. I used to listen to this in about 2006)

it's my life and i'll do what i want

i'll eat out your mum and then i'll eat a croissant

fuck expectations, fuck society

fuck sobriety and fuck propriety

i'll read fantasies about mythical creatures

then i'll fantasize about fucking my teachers

i'll spend a whole week locked up in my lair

writing songs i know no one's ever gunna hear

i'll drink by myself and go on the internet

talking to all these lofnotc i've never met

i'll video chat wearing just my bra

i'll chat them up and get them all to call me sasha

i'll drink till i can't fuck and then i'll fuck anyway

and promise him that he'll see me again some day

i'll smoke some unknown shit just to see what it'll do

then freak out, put myself to bed and think i miss you

i'll try to save the world from the human race

and secretly hope we disappear without a trace

not knowing if i'm doing this because i really care

or just because to live i need to make a career

i'll date guys i don't like, just so i can flirt

without the danger of heartbreak and hurt

i'll fuck even more, you can call me a whore

but it's more fun than crying over someone i adore

i'll sing you a song, though i know it's off key

stuff i could sell i'll give away for free

then i'll complain about being flat broke

and promptly go spend money on some dumb shit for a joke

I'll buy gluten free pasta and organic produce

sugar free chocolate and preservative free juice

then i'll go to mcdonalds for a burger and fries

an ice cream sundae, and a hot apple pie

i'll put broccoli and chili powder into birthday cakes

be vegetarian for one week and then cook up four steaks

i'll wear the same hoodie every day of the week

i'll make a bet and lose the game and have to do a streak

now you may say that all the things i do are really dumb

and all i have to say to that is, bitch i did your mum

i've only got one lifetime, and i'll do just what i please

no point in living if you miss these opportunities

i don't give a fuck what i should or shouldn't do

and i don't give a fuck whether anyone approves

your picture perfect life looks like utter misery

keep your kids and SUV, I'll take the liberty

I Am A Loner

One of these days I am going to rent a cabin somewhere in the middle of nowhere for one year or maybe even longer. And I am going to go live in it by myself with no phone and no internet and all I will do is read books and listen to music and play music and write music and go for walks and swims and be naked all the time and sit in trees and play games with myself like I used to when I was a little kid and I had no brothers or sisters and my parents were busy and I went and played outside by myself after school every day. And then when I return to society perhaps I will better appreciate the friends that I have and the technology that I have access to or perhaps I will see how stupid it all is and go back where I just came from and be a hermit forever. I don't know which way it will go but I do know that I need to get away from all this for a bit and I know that I won't get the opportunity for at least a few years but I can wait and I am determined to make it happen. Because this is the only life that I have and I want to do what I want with it because if I don't do what I want to do then what is the point in living it at all? Fuck expectations and obligations and fuck what anyone thinks I should do and what anyone thinks I should want. I'll please myself.

Delta At Pi Exclamation mark Three Pound (or Look I Can Do This Too)

This is shit.

This may be a big surprise:

You're not the centre of my life

I know you think that you're darn tootin'

But I'm more busy avoiding gluten

No, I do not spend my days

Dreaming up all of the ways

That I could cause you misery

Or make you have to contact me

Your arrogance shines like a light

When you think that I want to fight

Like I have nothing better to do

Than bicker over shit with you

So sure, I read your stuff online

But not because for you I pine

I'm not obsessed with you, you see

I'm really just obsessed with me

Call me vain and self-absorbed

(or a "souless cheating whore")

But you know how I love attention

And if I ever get a mention

In your poetry or prose

I am going to want to know.

When I saw those lies on your page

Initially I just felt rage

That you'd put me in such a light

At least get your fucking facts right

I'm not the model girlfriend, sure

I might be a bitch but I'm not a whore

As for lies, I can think of one time

And I don't think that's what you had in mind

But several times I caught YOU lying

Many nights you left me crying

Not sure when you think I strayed

I would never cheat, no way

I have a clue who you suspect

Well, he was the least of your threats

I see a lot of irony

That soulless is what you call me

When you're the one that couldn't feel

Couldn't love me quite for real

Although you thought it in your head

Emotionally you were dead