Today I ate a phallic cookie

I'm tired.

If anyone is reading this, and hasn't read my blog from yesterday, read that instead.

Out.

Cheer up... It's only for life

Why do people seem to enjoy talking about how depressed they are/were?

During the last #LOFNOTC, @amandapalmer tweeted the following:

"not to get too dark on this #LOFNOTC, but i think that's what happens when i don't drink. who's ever considered jumping off something high?"

I didn't follow the responses, but apparently "it appears that pretty much every #LOFNOTC has considered jumping off something high. who's been in a car crash? this is fun."

Amanda, are you serious?! This is NOT fun. This is destructive. (I still love you)

Well, car crashes are alright to talk about because they're accidental and stuff, but seriously, considering jumping off something high? Why would you want to spend your Friday nights reliving the darkest days of your life? If you ask me, #LOFNOTC should be all about joly larffing times whizzzz.

And yes, I have considered jumping off something high, but only for fun. I've considered jumping off the Skytower, attached to a harness and ropes but I decided it was not worth the money. I've considered jumping off the bridge in Warkworth but was warned against the rocks not far below the surface. I'm sure I've probably got stuck in a tree at some point and considered jumping out, too. But I don't think any of these were what Amanda was talking about.

She retweeted: "this is the truest truth of trueness RT @Fishelle if you HAVEN'T, you haven't lived. Dark moments are what define the bright ones"

Well, I can agree with the second half of that statement.. but.. I don't think having a dark moment necessarily has to equate to considering plummeting to your death. I certainly have had many a dark moment and on a few occasions have wished I was dead/I had never been born/the entire universe had never been created. But that doesn't mean I considered taking my own life. I guess when I'm that low, I know that things can ONLY get better. And that they WILL get better, even if it doesn't seem like it. And, without fail, they did. To me, the difference between wishing you were dead and considering suicide is about the same as the difference between wishing you had a million dollars and considering robbing a bank.

Meanwhile, @bethofalltrades posted this fantastic blog about depression. This one made me cry. I felt that it was actually constructive. It explains depression to people who have never been depressed. As one of these people, I appreciated it. It gives true insight into someone else's thoughts and feelings.

I greatly admire people who can share things like this. I would NEVER write a blog about how low I feel. If you see me declaring "FML" on the internet, it will be about some trivial matter, like I locked myself out of the house or the shower was cold or my mum called me fat. If I'm ACTUALLY down, I can guarantee that you would not have a clue. I would be posting about ANYTHING positive or funny that I can think of, or nothing at all if it was really that dire.

That's all well for the internet, but I'm like that in real life as well which I think is not such a good thing. I am an internaliser. If I have a serious problem, I do not talk about it. Unless forced to by someone who notices that something is up, at which point I will probably break down into tears and pour my wee heart out. I'm getting better, though. I can now at times admit that all is NOT fine and dandy and I am awfully proud of that!

Anyway, that's enough ranting from me for now... I think what I started off trying to say was: There is a time and place for talk of depression, and #LOFNOTC is not it.

The author of the aforementioned blog, Beth Hommel, felt the same way:

"I love you #LOFNOTC, but I don't want to talk about car accidents or suicide."

RESPECT. She's a smart cookie.

Do as I say.

Just watch this video.

ba-na-na

It's really, really, ridiculously fun to see how many different ways you can say "banana."

Try it. (Maybe with a friend, it might not be so much fun by yourself. But then it might.)

six hundred seventy two

This blog is a wonderful thing, because I can just write whatever the F I want. There are no expectations, from anyone else or from myself.

In the past whenever I've tried keeping a diary, I've always felt some sort of obligation which makes it un-fun. If I'm trying to document my life, then I feel like if I don't write down every detail of my day then it's cheating and if I am going to make an incomplete account of my life then it's not worth bothering at all. So I gave up on that. Then there was the time that I was told that I should keep a journal for make benefit of mental health, but in that case I felt like if I didn't come up with some new feelings about life every day then I wasn't doing it properly. So I started inventing things that I was feeling and then gave up after a while because I ran out of ideas.

I didn't make any wild promises to write about a new Topic every day, or review a movie every day, or write a poem every day, or write more than 500 words every day, or ANYTHING. I just said that I would write SOMETHING in here every day, and that is easy. Though I'm pretty sure I mention food just about every day. Here comes today's food mention (note: this is not a promise that I will talk about food every day from now on, or in fact ever again):

I attempted to recreate the delicious spinach balls that I had at the sushi shop. I had no idea how to do this, what was in them or how to cook them, so they actually turned out nothing like them but still not too bad really. And my flatmates said they smelt good. I could detail everything that went in them, but I won't because I realised sometime during this paragraph that spinach balls are actually extremely boring.

It really upsets me that 672 was not included in The Dresden Dolls Companion. It's one of my favourite songs, though I haven't the foggiest what it's about. Can anyone help? Any enlightenment would be much appreciated.

For anyone who doesn't know the song, the lyrics go like this:

Six hundred seventy two [repeat a few times]

OOOHHHHOOOHHHHOOHHHHHHOOOOHHHHH

Someday they'll find out about you too

One thing I noticed is that it's just "six hundred seventy two" not "six hundred AND seventy two." Is it a normal custom that I don't know about to leave out the "and"?

A Fantasy, A Rant and The Umbrellas of Cherbourg

This semester, I SWEAR I am going to be one of those people that goes to the uni in the morning and stays there ALL DAY. When I'm not in class, I'll go the LIBRARY, and study and do work and shit, and be GOOD AT LIFE. Maybe I'll even take a PACKED LUNCH. Going home for lunch is Bad, because then I will end up doing naughty behaviour like eating for 2 hours straight and going on the internet and watching the television and playing the piano and goodness knows whatever else it is that I usually manage to waste a whole day away doing. And it will be amazing and everybody will look at me and say to each other "that girl is obviously very onto it and stays at uni all day and gets A+ in everything. She probably also has a full-time job and rich and fulfilling social and love lives."

This, of course, is nothing new. It is a fantasy that I have had every semester since I started uni and so far it has not once come even close to true. There was this one period for about two weeks before exams (semester 2, 2008) where I was getting up at 6 every morning to do exercise and being at uni by 9 and staying there until 10-11pm and it was AMAZING and I totally DOMINATED the beep outta those exams and I thought it was going to last forever. But it didn't, because I suck at life. But this time is going to be DIFFERENT. Because there is no reason why I SHOULDN'T, or CAN'T do this. Maybe I'll just do it, like, 3 days a week or something. Even one day a week would be a start. But I'm going to do it SOMETIMES, and then maybe I will start doing it MORE and I am hoping that somewhere in the middle of all this I will transform into a GROWN-UP or at least a teenager....

Speaking of grown-ups: Mature students. Ugh. My Film Music lecturer announced that she was going to discuss the plot of West Side Story and put up a slide about it. Instantly some Mature Student blurted out "IT'S QUITE SIMILAR TO ROMEO AND JULIET EH." OH REALLY, YOU DON'T SAY. IT'S ONLY, LIKE, BASED ON IT AND SHIT. SO CONGRATULATIONS FOR YOUR AMAZING OBSERVATION. YOU'RE SO WORLDLY. And also, if you'd bother to read the slide, before butting in, IT ALREADY SAYS THAT IN LARGE WRITING ON THE SCREEN IN FRONT OF THE CLASS.

OK rant over.

Later on in the same class, we watched The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. If anyone hasn't seen this (which seems likely as no-one in the class had seen it), it's pretty crazy. It's all in French, and it's all sung. Not actual songs with catchy tunes though like what you would expect from a musical... Just normal dialogue, but sung over some background music and often sounds kinda tuneless and random.. Anyway, it left me feeling really sad. I think it was the fact that the two people who are obviously in love and perfect for each other and meant to be etc etc.. ended up happily married, but not to each other. I was outraged that they would dare to be happy with other people. Obviously not 100% happy, but happy enough not to get back together like they should have. Rah. Saying that, I thought that the female character was absolutely pathetic (she kept saying things like "don't leave me, I'll die without you" about one thousand times) so perhaps the dude was better off without her anyway. And perhaps the only way she could have a functional relationship was to be with someone she doesn't really feel that tragic way about.

Why even bother?

Basically, any blog that I write could never be anywhere near as good as this one.

So why try? The best thing I can do for you today is to direct you to this entity of WIN.